Random Twilight Stories!
by Moony is Loony
Summary: Come behind the scenes about Twilight! Funniness and randomness in every chapter!
1. Them Weirdos!

"F***! Why you little b****! Come back here!" Edward got up after Jacob pushed him down and Jacob ran. Bella chased after Edward shouting at him to stop and listen to her needs. Then Bella stopped after awhile, giving up.

She came and sat down on the sofa next to Luna and watched Edward chase after Jacob. Jacob was laughing hysterically, but Edward's face was serious.

"I can't understand why Stephanie Meyer wants to expose us in a movie with actors. Not even the real people! It's like we don't even _exist!_ I am _such_ a prettier person then that one girl playing as me. She'll never be as good as me, even if I gave her lessons!" Bella ranted. To Luna, it was blah blah blah blah blah.

"Bella, SHUSH!" Luna said.

Bella immediately shut up.

"Stand on your head." Luna had a hint of curiosity in her voice.

Bella stood on her head and when Luna didn't tell her to get down, she whined. "All the blood is rushing to my head!" she pouted.

"You don't have any blood," Luna explained, "but you can get down."

'Hmph. I was gonna do that anyway, and I don't need you using your author powers against me! I mean, it's totally unfair of you to boss me around! Why can't you just act, like, _normal_ once in a while? I mean, seriously! It's just not fair! I'm gonna have Edward punch you! EDDDDDDDIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Bella shouted.

Luna covered her ears and winced at Bella's screech.

"Could you have screamed any louder? I could have heard you if I was in Russia!" Edward yelled.

Edward quit his chase with Jacob and walked over to Bella. Jacob kept running, unaware that Edward had stopped. Edward rolled his eyes and muttered something that was not audible for Luna to hear.

"Ugh, Edward, don't say that about Jacob! You're such a meanie!" she giggled.

Bella grabbed Edward's arm and pulled him down. Edward fell, but inched away from Bella.

"What's wrong, honeybunch? Don't you_ love_ _me?"_

Edward cringed at the word "love." Then he twitched at the thought that Bella will be with him for the rest of eternity.

"Bella, what do you WANT?!" Edward asked, not caring to be polite.

"I want you to punch Luna! She was being mean to me!" Bella tattled. She pulled out her lower lip and tried to look like a puppy.

"She's the author. I can't, I don't want to, and I'm not going to."

"So there, Luna! Wait, what?!" Bella cocked her head to the side and looked at Edward.

Luna giggled, and thought up plans for tomorrow.


	2. So and So versus Such and Such!

"Hello, and welcome to Twilight Madness! This is the chance for Twilight characters to fight against one another!" Luna cried over the microphone.

"Yes Luna, it looks like there's going to be some good fights!" Alice responded.

"First up, is Bella versus Rosalie!"

Bella: You're going down, Blondie!

Rosalie: Not if you go down first, pig head!

Bella: Pig head? Is that the best you got? Well you're a weasel girl!

Rosalie: Pssh! You're a toilet BOY!

Bella: Oh no you _didn't!_

Rosalie: Oh yes I _di-id!_

Bella: Come here, female dog!

Rosalie: You're friends with one!

Jacob: HEY!

"OoooKAY! Let's have some actual FIGHTING this time!" Luna explained.

"I hear ya, Luna! Next is… Edward versus Emmett!" Alice cheered.

Edward: I'll win, so drop out!

Emmett: You drop out!

Edward: Make me!

Emmett: Fine! *Emmett kicks Edward in the… place*

Edward: *Looks down where Emmett kicked, then looks at him* That didn't even

hurt!

Emmett: I didn't mean it to!

Edward: Yes you did!

Emmett: No I didn't!

Edward: *Slaps Emmett across the face*

Emmett: *Slaps Edward back*

Edward: *Takes out turkey bacon*

Emmett: NOOOO!!!! You have found my one, true weakness!

Edward: …But… I'm hungry! …Whatever! *throws turkey bacon at Emmett*

Emmett: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! *Falls down backward*

Edward: *Bends over Emmett and takes turkey bacon back and eats it* Yummy!

"Ok! We have time for one last battle!" Alice smiled.

"Yes, we do! It better be short though!" Luna said.

"Well, I sure hope that Jacob and Jasper can do that!"

Jasper: I will control your emotions so that you are afraid of me! MUH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! *Changes Jacob's emotion to freaked out*

Jacob: *Gasps* Ahh! I'm so afraid! I think I'll let Jasper win!

Jasper: *Laughs maniacally*

Jacob: Wow, you _actually _fell for that crap?

Jasper: …You're mom's crap!

Jacob: Don't change the subject!

Jasper: I already did, hound!

Jacob: *Phases into wolf*

Jasper: EEEEEWWWWW!

Luna: Ah ah ah! That's an immediate disqualification!

Jacob: *Growls at Luna*

Luna: …Continue.

Jasper: That's not fair!

Jacob: *Pounces on Jasper*

Alice: And that's game!

Jasper: *Breathes heavily, even though it's not necessary* Thanks.

Alice: No prob.

"…It's time to announce our winners!" Luna cheered.

"Yes, it's time! The winner of the first battle is… oh my goodness!" Alice exclaimed.

"What is it, Alice?"

"It seems that it is a draw!"

"Really?!"

"Yes!"

"How so?"

"It appears that Rosalie said a gender confused comment and is being taken to a mental institution!"

"Really? What about Bella?" Luna questioned.

"I just don't like Bella, so I'm not letting her win!"

"Hey! That's like, not fair! I should totally win it all!" Bella whined.

"Well that sucks for you, doesn't it?" Alice asked.

"Hmph! I will win one time! I will!" Bella threatened.

"Whatever. The second battle, Alice?" Luna asked.

"The winner is… Edward!"

"Yes! I knew it! I knew I won! In your face, Emmett!" Edward cheered.

"Yay!" Bella exclaimed, curling around Edward into a passionate kiss.

"Bleh! Bella! Get off!" Edward shook her off and ran into the bathroom.

"Ooo, you want privacy? I understand. Those people out there can be so annoying!" Bella walked into the bathroom. The noises after that were censored.

"…Wow. Ok then, the winner of the last battle is… Jaco-" Luna was cut off by Alice.

"Jasper!" Alice exclaimed.

"Uh, Alice?" Luna asked.

"Shush, Luna! Let Jasper win!" Alice murmured.

"Can I have some candy?" Luna asked.

"Fine!"

"The winner is Jasper!"


	3. Vampires on a Sugar Rush

"Oh my good golly GOSHNESS!" Esme screeched.

"What, love?" Carlisle asked in a calming voice.

"I don't know! I'm just so HYPER!"

"That's not like you, love."

"I KNOW! I'm so EXCITED!"

"There's nothing to be excited about."

"I know! I don't know why I'm so hyper!"

"Emmett?"

Emmett was at Carlisle's side in less than 3 seconds. "I didn't do it!"

Carlisle looked at Emmett incredulously.

"Wait, what didn't I do?" Emmett asked.

"Ask Esme."

Emmett looked at Esme bouncing on the sofa.

"Wow."

"Luna?" Carlisle called.

It took her awhile to get to Carlisle, but she was there soon enough.

Carlisle nodded to Emmett.

"Emmett, what did you do this time?" Luna asked, annoyed.

"Nothing! I swear it wasn't me!"

"Then who was it?" Carlisle demanded.

"Wait, wasn't Edward supposed to give Esme her medicine?"

"What's that have to do with it, Luna?" Carlisle asked.

Luna walked over to the medicine bottle sitting on the coffee table in front of the sofa. She picked it up and looked at the label. "_Rushing Sugar. Take 2 pills a day to become extremely hyper!" _

"EdWARD!" Luna called.

"Yes?" he asked, fighting back a smile.

"Why'd you give Esme hyper medicine? You were supposed to give her _calming medicine!_"

"I know," he said, still fidgeting to try to keep a smile off his face.

Carlisle's voice became very stern. "You know what happens when Esme spazzes out!"

"I know," he said, allowing the smile to cross his face.

"Guys," Esme's voice was suddenly low, "I feel it coming on…"

"Uh-oh…" Luna's eyes were wide.

"DUCK AND COVER!" Emmett screeched.

Esme got up and ran around the room. She threw her arms above her head, shouting like a monkey. She ran upstairs and drummed the walls, then came back downstairs and ran around chasing Luna's dog, Jamie. Jamie got scared and barked furiously at Esme.

In all the noise and confusion, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper came in to ask what the heck was happening.

"Esme's on a sugar rush!" Luna managed to shout.

"Oh no! That's horrible!" Alice gasped, covering her mouth. Jasper stood in front of her, prepared to defend Alice no matter what the costs.

Rosalie put her hands on her hips. "I wanna be on a sugar rush too!"

Rosalie ran to get the medicine, and popped two pills in her mouth. She swallowed them, and suddenly her eyes got wide.

"Two vampires on a sugar rush can't be good!" Carlisle said, panicky.

"No, but it sure is entertaining!" Emmett said optimistically.

Carlisle threw Emmett a glare and continued watching Esme and Rosalie mimic the almighty wizard swear found on YouTube.

"Only two? Why not make it three?" Bella came out of nowhere.

Bella ran to get the medicine. She looked in the bottle.

"There's only two left!" she whined.

"You're only supposed to have two or you'll be hyper forever," Edward explained.

Carlisle ran and snatched the bottle out of Bella's hands.

"We don't want any more vampires becoming hyper!"

"Please? Please, please, please? With icing and sugar and cherries and chocolate on top of a mountain full of the flavor of ice cream you like the most?"

"I don't eat, Bella, and neither do you. But I say that since Edward started all of this, he should be on a sugar rush too!"

"What?! No! I don't want to-" It was too late- Carlisle had already put the medicine in Edward's mouth.

"No… I refuse… to… swallow… these… pills!" Edward resisted.

Luna looked at Carlisle incredulously. "Your son, Carlisle. How could you do that to your son?!"

"Oh come ON. You have to think that this is funny too."

Luna inhaled, about to protest, but gave in. "True," she agreed.

Edward gave in, and swallowed the pills. His amber eyes went bezerk, and he went down on all fours to chase Luna's poor dog.

For experimentation, Emmett got a dog treat from the kitchen pantry and held it up for Edward to see. Edward's eyes went wide and jumped on Emmett for the treat. Then Jamie jumped on Edward's back and snatched the treat from Emmett's hands. She ran away, and Edward strangely couldn't keep up. He gave in, and ran to Esme and Rosalie to continue the Wizard Swear.

"How long before the pills wear off?" Luna asked through the vampires "singing."

"I have no idea. I've never tried out the medicine. I got it from the hospital, but… I don't know why there were only a few pills in the bottle…" Carlisle questioned.

Emmett laughed. "Ok, so I MAY have given the pills to Esme a few times, but I swear, I didn't do it this time!"

Carlisle shot Emmett a hard glare, and then laughed.

"Well, since this was pretty entertaining, I'll let it go."

"Really?! I should do stuff like this more often!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Don't push your luck, boy."


	4. Punishing Bella

"Hi everybody! Today, we're going to punish Bella! Why? 'Cause its fun!" Luna exclaimed.

"How is punishing me _fun?_" Bella asked, hands on her hips.

Luna ignored Bella, and continued speaking.

"Luna, what shall we do to Bella?" Emmett asked happily.

"Well, we could lock her up with Mike Newton and see how she acts."

"For how long?"

"3 hours!"

_3 minutes after being locked inside…_

"Get away from me, pathetic human!"

"Oh but Bella, why don't you marry me?!"

"I'm already married, fool!"

"But that Cullen dude is a total freak! Don't you notice his eyes change color?"

"So do mine and I can rip you to pieces now if I wanted to!"

"But you _don't _want to, do you?"

"Shut UP!"

"Sit down and let's talk about ME!"

"Don't you already have a girlfriend?"

"Who, Jessica?"

"Yeah!"

"Who's that?"

"OR… We could tell her that the world is going to end when Barbie dolls rain from the sky…"

"The sky! The sky! I think I see a head! Ack! It's smiling at me without blinking! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! This is totally going to mess up my hair! I don't like plastic! Or rubber! Or cheese!"

"Cheese?" Luna asked.

"Isn't that what they're made of…?"

"OR… We could tell her that cookie dough stole her brush and she better alert the Geek Squad…"

"Hello, Geek Squad! How may I help you?"

"My name is Bella Cullen and I'm calling to report a stolen brush!"

"Uhh, we fix computers, ma'am."

"Yes the name of the thief is Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, but I don't know who she's married to."

The line went dead.

"Hello? Hello?! Luna?! The phone died!"

Luna chuckled.

"THIS IS NO TIME FOR LAUGHTER, LUNA! I NEED MY BRUSH BACK!"

Jasper came downstairs carrying Bella's "lost" brush.

"I found your brush, Bella. It was in the bathroom in plain sight."

Luna glared at Jasper.

"Oh. Right. Sorry, Luna."

"You're Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough!" Bella accused Jasper.

"What?!" he asked, clueless.

"The Geek Squad is on the way here to fix your computer!" she shouted.

Luna looked at Bella, thinking she couldn't get any stupider.

Bella pounced on Jasper, but missed and landed on the floor.

"I'll get you my pretty, and you're little dog too!"


	5. On Aim

**KrazyLuna3210 **(If you're slow, that's Luna)** has entered the chat room.**

**BackOffFemaleDog** (Bella) **has entered the chat room.**

**CutieBlondie92ie** (Rosalie) **has entered the chat room.**

**I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you **(Edward) **has entered the chat room.**

BackOffFemaleDog: Why is your screen name so long, Eddie?

MindReader: What do you mean?

KrazyLuna3210: Why'd you change you're screen name?

MindReader: I didn't!

KrazyLuna3210: Scroll up, Edward. It says you did.

CutieBlondie92ie: Who's the blond now?!

MindReader: THAT'S NOT ME GUYS

BackOffFemaleDog: Then who IS it?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: I'm not Edward!

KrazyLuna3210: Then who ARE you?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: You will die not knowing.

KrazyLuna3210: Ohhh… What's up Jasper?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: HOWD YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?!

KrazyLuna3210: Because you say that a lot.

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: GIRRR!!!!

**DoctorCullen8 **(Carlisle)** has entered the chat room.**

DoctorCullen8: Does anyone know how to get to the hospital?

BackOffFemaleDog: Shouldn't you know?

DoctorCullen8: Yes, but I'm having an extreme case of short term memory loss today.

MindReader: But you've been a doctor for 300 plus years.

DoctorCullen8: Shush, Edward. Don't make me feel worse. Oh and Jasper, stop hacking your brother's computer.

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: What the heck?!

DoctorCullen8: You know…

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: No I don't!

DoctorCullen8: Well neither do I because SOMEBODY made me forget!

KrazyLuna3210: Who's that?

DoctorCullen8: …I don't know. I forgot.

KrazyLuna3210: Rrrrright.

DoctorCullen8: Wait, why did I come on here?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: You were going to ask us if we wanted some human blood.

DoctorCullen8: Oh yeah! Anybody?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: Yes!

CutieRosalie92ie: Yes please. Vegetarian preferably. I'm on a diet.

BackOffFemaleDog: Vegetarian as well, please.

MindReader: Anything is fine.

DoctorCullen8: Luna? Want any?

KrazyLuna3210: Uhhh, I'll pass.

DoctorCullen8: Are you sure? You have to be thirsty.

KrazyLuna3210: No thanks. I'll stick to my pizza.

DoctorCullen8: If you say so. I'll be back later with the blood.

**DoctorCullen8 has left the chat room.**

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: YES!

MindReader: I like Carlisle this way.

BackOffFemaleDog: Does human blood taste good?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: Meat eaters do, vegetarians taste like deer.

BackOffFemaleDog: Aw, man! Eddie, can I have some of yours?

MindReader: No.

BackOffFemaleDog: Aww, why not, cupcake?

MindReader: 1, you call me Eddie, and two, Carlisle never loses his memory and I would like to take advantage of it.

KrazyLuna3210: You guys are not good children at all!

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: Dude, do you know how often we get to drink human blood?

KrazyLuna3210: Hopefully not often.

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: You're right! Never! It's like having ice cream when you've been stuck in the Sahara Desert for a couple decades.

KrazyLuna3210: Humans don't live that long.

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: My point exactly.

KrazyLuna3210: How is that your point?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: It wasn't. I was just hoping you'll shut up.

KrazyLuna3210: Hey!

**StrongerThanYou'llEverBe **(Emmett) **has entered the chat room.**

StrongerThanYou'llEverBe: Hola

MindReader: ¡Cayete!

CutieBlondie92ie: What's that mean?

MindReader: Shut up.

CutieBlondie92ie: That's not nice! I just asked what it meant!

MindReader: I said what it meant.

CutieBlondie92ie: When?

MindReader: Just now!

CutieBlondie92ie: …MY HEAD HURTS!

StrongerThanYou'llEverBe: Rosalie. Cayete means shut up in Spanish.

CutieBlondie92ie: What's Spanish…?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: YOUR MOM!

CutieBlondie92ie: My mom is Spanish?

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: Yes.

CutieBlondie92ie: Was that an insult cause it sounded like one!

**YoSoyUnaPersonaBonita **(random Spanish person) **has entered the chat room.**

YoSoyUnaPersonaBonita: What did you just say about my country?!

CutieBlondie92ie: Spanish is a country? Well your country sounds like an insult.

MindReader: Who ARE you?

YoSoyUnaPersonaBonita: I am a proud Hispanic and I came to talk to random people when I saw that horrific comment your blond said!

CutieBlondie92ie: HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS A BLOND?! ARE YOU STALKING ME?!

YoSoyUnaPersonaBonita: ANYWAY, who are you guys?

MindReader: Edward.

I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you: I'm Jasper.

CutieBlondie92ie: My mommie told me not to give out my personal information on the internet.

KrazyLuna3210: You don't even know what personal information is.

CutieBlondie92ie: *gasp* that's not… I know what… You're just… Shut up!

**DoctorCullen8 has entered the chat room.**

DoctorCullen8: I'm back with the blood!

YoSoyUnaPersonaBonita: You're WHAT?!

DoctorCullen8: Back with the blood! Oh sorry, did you want some?

KrazyLuna3210: Carlisle, we'll meet you downstairs.

DoctorCullen8: But I want to know if she wants some blood!

KrazyLuna3210: Sign off everybody!

**MindReader has left the chat room.**

**KrazyLuna3210 has left the chat room.**

**I_hear_voices_and_they_don't_like_you has left the chat room.**

**DoctorCullen8 has left the chat room.**

**StrongerThanYou'llEverBe has left the chat room.**

CutieBlondie92ie: I'm Rosalie!

YoSoyUnaPersonaBonita: Are you guys…

CutieBlondie92ie: Bye!

**CutieBlondie92ie has left the chat room.**

YoSoyUnaPersonaBonita: VAMPIRES!!!!!!


	6. Luna's Plea For Help

**A.N- Ok, I have a major case of writer's block. Anybody got any ideas? I seriously need to get cracking' on the stories if I plan to win my sister's bet that I can reach 15 chapters by the end of the week. 5 down, only 10 to go! So PLEASE! I need 10 ideas! Otherwise I'll lose my 15 bucks! So please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please-**

"Ok, I think they get it, Luna!"

"I want them to UNDERSTAND my need for my 10 ideas, Alice!"

"I think they do!"

"Well what if they don't?"

"I'm sure at least one person out of one million people will get it."

"What if those million are stupid?"

"Seriously, Luna. Take a chill pill. With your mind, you'll get more than 10 ideas. Isn't this considered a chapter?"

"Hmmm… Karen didn't mention any rules… So yeah! This is a chapter! Take THAT, Karen!"

"Why don't you just do this for all of your chapters?"

"I don't want to bore my readers out of their minds."

"They can suck it up."

"No! I want to be a GOOD writer!"

"Whatever."

"Hey, at least _I_ didn't get an actress who looks like you to be in a movie and expose your secret!"

"Whatever."

"Don't you back sass me!"

"Whatever."

**As you can see, I NEED IDEAS! So please, if you value my sanity, PLEASE GIVE ME IDEAS!**


	7. Shorty Scores the Winning Goal

**A.N- Ok so this is an actual chapter this time! Thanks mom for the idea! And yeah, I don't own Twilight… yet. And I don't own Zelda, my friend does. Actually… I think Japan does… Anyway, she has the ocarina of time, but her reply to that is, "who doesn't?" **

"I choose… Edward," Emmett declared as he chose his team members for basketball. Emmett was practically the only good player.

"I want Jasper!" Alice cried.

Emmett sighed at his choices. "Jacob."

Jacob marched unhappily over to Emmett. After all, it was Bella's idea to come and play. But he came anyway, for he couldn't leave a certain girl alone thanks to his imprinting.

"Luna!"

"Carlisle."

"Esme!"

"Rosalie."

Alice's eyes gaped open when she saw a little girl standing behind Bella.

"Oh my gosh! Renesmee!" Alice cheered.

Renesmee walked over to Alice, tugging Bella along with her.

"Hey!" Emmett called angrily. "That's unfair! We have to have the same amount of players! So either Bella has to come over here, or Renesmee can't play!"

"Emmett! Shush! You're so rude! And poorly dressed!" Alice shouted back.

"I like it when people fight over me!" Renesmee smiled.

Edward and Jacob both looked at Renesmee in longing. Jacob to hold her, and Edward to take Renesmee and run so Jacob couldn't have her.

Emmett and Alice made the game "interesting" by having a bet. The bet was that whoever lost had to stay in a room with moldy cheese and rotten eggs the entire day. And not just the team captains, the team members as well.

The game started anyway, with Emmett's team ahead by 5 points because of the unfair amount of players. When it got to the last quarter, Emmett's team was winning by one with the score 87 to 86. Renesmee got fouled at the last second, and she got two foul shots.

Everyone expected Renesmee to miss, what with her being so short.

Renesmee bounced the ball twice and looked up at the hoop. She bounced the ball again and looked at everyone else, who was shoving each other trying to get their arms in front of the person next to them.

She stifled some laughter and wondered why everyone was so silent.

She bounced the ball a couple more times and decided to break the silence.

"Ok, why is everyone staring at me like that?!" she cried.

"JUST SHOOT THE BALL!" Everyone but Bella, Edward, and Jacob cried.

"Sweetie, you get two free chances to shoot the ball into the hoop. Try your best, honey, ok?" Bella mused.

"Ok, mommy," Renesmee responded.

Renesmee looked at the hoop, and simply threw the ball into it.

"Is that it?" she asked.

"Yes, honeybunch, that's exactly how you do it. Now do it again," Bella commanded.

Renesmee didn't try so hard this time, and missed. Not just missed, she failed miserably.

When the ball hit the floor, Emmett caught it and aimed for his hoop and shot the ball.

It would have gone in, except Renesmee ran to the hoop and jumped into the air. The ball smacked her hand with furious force, and flew gracefully into Alice's hoop. Alice's team had won 90 to 87.

"Get in there!" Renesmee smirked as she pushed Rosalie.

"OVER MY PILE OF ASHES!" She screamed.

"I can make that happen if you don't get in there!" Alice snickered.

"Ugh! It smells GROSS!" Emmett plugged his nose.

"At least you guys don't need to breathe!" Jacob yelled.

"AHHH!!! THE CHEESE FELL ON ME!!!" You could hear Rosalie scream.

"Uhhh… Rosalie? That wasn't the cheese," Edward said, apparently grossed out.

"Oh. Then what was it?" she replied.

Edward looked up, as well as the rest of Emmett's team. Emmett screamed like a girl and ran out of the room with Alice chasing him.

Rosalie looked up and saw a little ball of white sparkles floating above her. She smiled at what looked like a dust bunny, but then was horrified when it spoke to her.

"HEY! LISTEN! HEY! WATCH OUT! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HELLO? HEY! HEY! LISTEN! HELLO?!"

Rosalie too ran out of the room, followed shortly by Carlisle who didn't get it.


	8. Nessie's EJ

**A.N- Haha I didn't write my last chapter, my sister did. **

**And I was reading Zelda Mini Madness by Quintaso when I saw a comment TimelessParodies made in it. "What would you do if a cow said to you, "come here and let me eat you?"" Haha, I totally laughed. (I'm going to be the bold type, Karen is the italic type.)**

_Did you like it?_

**Didn't like it as much as mine, did ya?**

_Shut up, Miley!_

**Oh no you DID-N'T! **

_That's your name, is it not?_

**LUNA, KAREN! LUNA!**

_Whatever… Miley._

**Shut the ***censored*** up!**

_Be nice on the web, Miley._

***glare***

_Hey, can I help you write this chapter?_

**Only if it's better than the last one!**

_First time, ok?_

**You just can't accept that you stink at writing! (Audience: Oooooo…)**

_Well I'm helping whether you like it or not!_

**Fine. But we'll all be able to tell when you're writing when things stop getting funny.**

_Haha. Not funny._

**Whatever. Thanks for the reviews, TimelessParodies and IPityYou! You guys gave me some really good ideas! **

_You have, like, no readers. _

**Shush! **

Renesmee woke up and realized she was a boy.

"Uhhh… Luna?" she called.

Luna walked into the room and asked what was wrong.

"I think I'm a boy…"

"How?"

"Does that question need to be answered?"

"…Oh… I get it."

"Yyyyyeah."

"Well… You get to see things from a different perspective, I guess."

"Will I turn into a girl again??"

"I dunno. If you don't turn back by the end of the day, talk to Carlisle."

"Okay, Luna."

Renesmee walked out of the house and went to school.

All of the girls swarmed around Renesmee, unaware that it was her.

But what was Renesmee going to do, say that she's a girl trapped in a boy's body?

"I'm… uh… EJ," Renesmee introduced her… er… himself.

"I'm Caroline!" Caroline exclaimed as she landed a big, fat, spitty kiss on EJ's cheek.

"AHHH!!!!!! LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!" EJ screamed as he ran away.

"What… what I do?" Caroline asked, confused.

"He called you a lesbian, Carrie."

"Does that make me a guy?"

"I dunno but I'm going after him!"

All of the girls chased after EJ and captured him.

They kissed him several times and he was covered in spit.

Then EJ transformed back into Renesmee!

AND THE GIRLS WERE STILL KISSING HER!

"CAROLINE! KAREN! JAMIE! GO AWAY!" Nessie screamed.

"EEEWWWW!!!! LESBIAN!!!!" they screamed as they ran back to class.

The bell rang, and Renesmee was late.

Then a guy came up behind her, turned her around, and kissed her full on the lips.

Renesmee asked, "what the heck are you doing?!"

The boy responded, "oh- sorry. I thought you were a boy."

The boy let Nessie go and turned and walked away.


	9. Truth or Dare?

"Edward? You're turn," Carlisle said.

"Ok… Emmett! Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Ok… Have you ever won a game of baseball?"

"We already know the answer!"

"I know, I just want to hear you say it!"

"No, ok?"

"Ok! Go Emmett," Rosalie said, annoyed.

"Rosalie? Truth or dare?"

"Dare!"

"I dare you to call McDonald's and order a bad of blood!"

"Okey dokey!"

"Hello? McDonalds? Yes my name is BobPants SpongeSquare and I would like one large bag of blood please," Rosalie declared.

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"We sell cheap, greasy, fat food here."

"So?"

"…Whatever you say, miss. May I ask where you live?"

"I live at 7192 Abracadabra Court, Flaoffagus, Canada 54532."

"I'm not sure that is a real place, miss."

"If it wasn't a real place, would I live here?"

"…It will be there in a couple hours, ma'am."

"Thank you very much!"

Rosalie hung up and it was her turn now.

"Jacob! Truth or dare?" she smiled evilly.

"Dare!"

"I dare you to get lost and never come back!"

"For how long do I have to be lost?"

"Forever, loser."

"Okay! Bye! Will you guys wait for me so I don't lose my turn?"

"Oh yeah- we'll DEFINATLY be able to do that."

"Thanks, Rosalie. You know, you're a real friend."

"Sure thing, dog."

Jacob walks out of the circle and leaves the house, never to come back. (Unless the author says so, of course. But she's not, so no worries. Or maybe she will, just to torment the little pervert.)

Emmett perks up. "Dare, Rosalie!"

"Pssh!" Bella shushed Emmett. "We're supposed to wait until Jacob gets back!"

The Cullen clan and Luna stared at Bella incredulously.

"What?" she asked. "Don't you respect other people's wishes?"

"Why did I marry her…? Why?!" Edward muttered to himself only a dimwit like Bella couldn't hear.

**(A.N. – If you guys have any truths or dares, let me know in a review!)**

Bella has been grabbed by floating arms and is being pulled away from the circle.

"Floating arms?" Jasper asked Luna.

"What, you want it to be floating legs?"


	10. Midnight Sun

**A.N. - THIS WAS TOTALLY NOT FAIR! I GOT GROUNDED SO I COULDN'T FINISH THE BET! I LOST 15 BUCKS, GOT GROUNDED, AND I WAS COMPLETELY TORTURED!!! *takes a deep breath* But I'm ok now. Sorry for the wait! **

Luna's eyes were glued to her computer. Alice kept waving her hand in front of her eyes, but Luna didn't seem to notice.

"What's up with her?" Jasper asked as he walked in the Author's room.

Alice sighed. "She found Midnight Sun on Stephenie Meyer's website.

"Of course," Jasper rolled his eyes. "Why doesn't she make a story about ME? I mean, seriously!"

"Jasper, you're starting to sound like Bella," Alice stated.

"Uh-oh… I'm talking to her too much!" Jasper raised his voice with every word.

Bella suddenly walked in.

"Hi, Jasper!" she said in a high, peppy tone.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jasper screamed as he ran out of the room.

Bella looked at Alice in confusion.

"Don't ask," she stated.

"Hey Luna? Hey yeah… Umm… I was wondering… Can you babysit Renesmee today? I want some… alone time… with Edward. So yeah… Can you?"

Luna kept staring at the computer and pressed the down arrow key every few seconds.

"Uhh… Luna? I asked you something!"

Alice muffled a laugh and didn't say anything. She just had a vision, and she was 99.9% sure it would come true.

Luna kept reading, paying no attention to Bella.

"LUNA! LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOUNG LADY!"

"Patience, young grasshopper," Alice said peacefully.

The Author suddenly looked up from the computer, but not at Alice or Bella.

"I wonder why he didn't do it…" she murmured.

"Who didn't do what?" Bella asked with excitement, finally someone was talking to her.

"Because of me," Alice explained smugly.

Luna kept reading.

After a while, Luna looked up.

"Oh… yeah… Good job… Alice."

"You're not happy I did it, are you?"

"Nnnnno," Luna said.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Bella yelled.

"I'm talking about the massacre Ed-"

"Shhh! Don't tell her! Or the readers! Let them read it for themselves!"

"But that's torture, Alice."

"My point exactly."

Alice left the room, but she was sure Luna was going to tell Bella anyway, just for the reaction.

"I said I was talking about the massacre Edward was planning in your biology class just because you were sitting next to him. Alice talked him out of it though."

"Edward wanted… to _kill me?!" _ her voice got all squeaky with tears and hurt.

"But hey, now you and he are a somewhat happily married vampire couple with a vampire/human baby hybrid. You should be proud."

Of course, that only made the drama queen cry harder.

"WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" she screamed so loud Emmett came running up the stairs with Edward and Carlisle at his heals to ask what was wrong.

"Shut UP!" Emmett yelled over her sobs.

"Now, now, son. That's not the way to handle this. You should be delicate and gentle. Bella, you are going to shut your yap this instant or I'll make Edward kiss some pretty fangirl! Now SHUSH!"

Edward shrugged, and Bella ran over to "Eddie" to kiss him, only to be shooed off and land on the floor with a hard thud.

Luna had been reading the entire time, and missed the whole thing. When she finally finished her 264 pages, she looked up at the Cullen family standing in her room.

"What'd I miss?"


	11. Twilight Movie! XD

Luna came back from the movies, her eyes dazed.

"What happened, Luna?" Jasper asked, worried.

Luna didn't respond, only kept walking.

"She just saw our movie, DUH!" Alice said.

"I was that hot, huh?" Jasper said, smirking.

Luna's eyes came back to Earth.

"Huh? What?" She asked.

"Twilight was pretty good, right?" Alice smiled.

"OMIGOSH!" An invisible light bulb popped out of Luna's head.

"I can change that!" she exclaimed.

Luna rushed to the computer and became typing frantically.

"What's she typing?" Jasper asked.

Alice chuckled. "You'll see."

Edward walked in the door, and scooped Luna up in his arms. Luna smirked at Bella, looking hurt as Edward carried Luna outside.

Bella twitched angrily. She looked over and saw the computer and flew her fingers over the keys. She wrote, "Edward says, I love Bella Cullen, not you, Luna Keller!" her down and marched over to Bella and slapped her across the face.

"I love Luna Keller, not you, Bella Cullen!"

"What the heck?! You're supposed to love _me!_ I'M YOUR WIFE!"

"Not anymore! I want a divorce!"

"Bella, _I'm_ the author! Whatever you type becomes the opposite!"

Luna woke up with a gasp.

"I knew it was too good to be true," she muttered.

Then Edward comes back inside the house, carrying the confused Luna. He set

Luna reluctantly got up out of bed, thinking of the movie she saw last night.

"Which theatre did you go to?" Rosalie asked, concerned that no one could see how pretty she was.

"I don't know the name of it; I was just visiting that place!" Luna explained.

"Describe it," Rosalie demanded.

"Well… it had a big clock and a giant tree in the front."

"Oh! That's that one place!"

"Yeah, that narrows it down."

"Westview." Edward says. "Has great picture, so don't worry Rosalie.

"Yeah," Luna shrugged. "And there were this group of people there who were arguing who was better- Edward or Jacob."

Rosalie narrowed her eyes. "I take neither," she said silently but sternly.

"I take my side," Edward shrugged.

"Well of course you do, you self-obsessed freak!" Rosalie shouted.

"Whatever. I was there at the movies, if you were in theatre… uh… 10."

"I was in 8, I think. Wait, can I see your ticket?"

"Sure? Why?"

"Just hand it here."

"Fine, sheesh!" Edward gave the ticket to Luna. It said 10, not 8, so he wasn't lying.

"Whatever. Here." Luna gave the ticket back to Edward.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I wanted to see if you were actually in theatre 8."

"What time did you see it at?"

"I don't know… 2? 3? Something around that."

"That's about the time I saw it. Wait… how many people in that group said I was better?"

"Uh… the majority. They were really entertaining to watch while the movie was playing. One spazzed out when I guess he or she saw Edward giving Bella the apple."

"Exactly, please?"

"Uh… 5 or 6. Only about 3 for Jacob. I wasn't stalking them, Edward. I didn't pay much attention."

"Who would you vote for?"

"I'm on Switzerland's side."

"Coward."

"Hey!"

"You don't take Jacob's side because you know that I would kill you."

"I like both of you, ok?"

"Not good enough for me."

"Listen, you're in my story more than Jacob is, and I made Jacob get lost in one of the chapters. So shush!"

"Better."

"Ugh! I don't understand why Bella loves you!"

"Neither do I," Edward muttered.

**(Oh right! By the way… If one of you from that group of people is reading this, you guys are weird! But the chances of that are, like, zero. But yeah, just being safe. And don't take any offence! I'm sorry! BUT WASN'T THE MOVIE AWESOME??!!?!?!?!)**


	12. Purple Paddle

Luna, Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Renesmee, and everybody were visiting the Cullen's house in Forks.

"Do you have a basement?" Luna asked randomly.

"Uh, yeah. Why?" Emmett responded.

"Can I see it?!"

Emmett led the way down to the basement with a confused look on his face.

Luna saw a giant TV screen with an upside down 'U' shaped sofa in the center. A coffee table sat in front of it, and two loveseats faced the table. On the other side of the room was a mahogany pool table, an air hockey table, a ping-pong table, a foosball table, and any other kind of table with a sport you can play on top of it was there. There was also a mini kitchen and two bedrooms and of course, a bathroom.

"Why do you have all this stuff even though you don't need it?" Luna asked.

"What, the kitchen and everything?"

"Yeah, that."

"If we have any guests, we want to give them a sense of normalcy."

"THAT WAS ONE OF OUR SPELLING WORDS LAST WEEK! OH MY GOSHNESS!" Luna exclaimed, a little too spastic.

"Yyyyyeah. Okay then."

Edward came downstairs, a smirk on his face.

"I just finished watching TV…" he began.

"So?" Emmett raised his eyebrows.

"There were two guys playing hardcore ping-pong," Edward hinted.

"I'll take that challenge!"

"Good! I get the purple paddle!"

"Not if I get it first!"

Emmett and Edward raced over to the purple paddle and started yelling at each other saying they got there first.

"I was here first!" Emmett exclaimed

"No you weren't, I was, fool!" Edward yelled.

"Who you calling fool, know-it-all?!"

"You, fool!"

"Don't you have _any_ good comebacks?!"

"So your comeback is asking me if I have any comebacks. That's pathetic."

"Whatever. Luna!" Emmett suddenly turned to the Author. "Who got here first?!"

"How could she have seen?" Edward glowered toward Emmett.

"Oh right. _She's_ not a vampire."

"Don't do it, Emmett! Rosalie would hate you!"

"Pssh, I don't care. Okay, only a little, but not enough."

"Why do you want her to become a vampire anyway?"

"So Jasper won't hurt anymore!"

"What's the real reason? You're such a bad liar."

"I _feel_ like it."

"How does that make you _feel_?"

"It makes me feel like sucking on human blood."

Luna ran up the stairs as quietly as she could. Emmett and Edward didn't hear her- they were too busy fighting.

"Carlisle?" Luna called.

"Yes, Luna?"

"Emmett wants to eat me!"

"Emmett is just being Emmett. He won't hurt you."

"But he's gonna **eat** me!"

"Luna,"

"EAT ME!"

Emmett came upstairs. "If you say so," he shrugged.

Emmett lunged for her neck.

Luna turned around quickly enough to smack him upside his face.

"What was that all about?!"

"How did she do that?"

"It's impossible- Emmett is too fast!

"Luna's not even a vampire!"

"Do these jeans make me look fat?"

"HA HA HA! THE COCONUT FELL ON HIS HEAD!"

"Is Miley Cyrus really Britney Spears…?"

Lots of murmurs went throughout the Cullen house.

"… Is there a draft in here?" Luna asked.

"They _do_ make you look a lot fatter."

"HeLLO?! Answer the question please?" Luna sounded like an annoyed Bella or the regular Rosalie.

Rosalie glanced at Edward who was chuckling and apparently sent her the message.

"I do NOT sound like that normally!"

The Author glared at Edward, who only chuckled more.

"Your face is so angry it's almost funny," he smiled and flashed his fangs.

Luna only glared.

"Do I _dazzle_ you?" Edward asked Luna.

"Not in the slightest. I think Bella lost her mind. Speaking of lunatics, where is Bella?"

Everyone looked around. Bella wasn't in sight.

Esme went upstairs to a play room meant for Renesmee. Bella was sitting atop a mechanical horse, swaying back and forth.

"Ride 'em, cowboy!" she shouted.

The horse slowed to a stop, and Bella looked up.

"Anyone got a quarter?"


End file.
